photo from: http://www.leolicensing.comThey say time heals all wounds. To me though, it’s Christmas. There were lesser food on the table, fewer gifts given and received this year than the  previous years, but to me, Christmas this year held more meaning than any other Christmases I had.

This year, I’ve hurt people and been hurt so many times than I could ever count. 3 weeks ago, I had a big fight with somebody I see more as a sister than just a niece. The fight was so bad, my brother (her father) had to interfere just so we’d stop biting each other’s head off. Words were thrown and feelings were hurt. Since that night until the evening of the 24th, we didn’t speak to each other. My pain, just like hers, had been so deep that the mere thought of looking at the other seemed like an outrageous act. It was the first time that we ever had a fight. A week before Christmas, I was forced to talk to her because I had to give her their house key. “Yung susi baka mawala (Your key might get lost)” was the first sentence I ever said to her since the fight. A few minutes after, she came to the living room and said ” Iwan ko na lang, baka hanapin ng kapatid ko (I’ll just leave it here, my brother might look for it)”. That was the longest sentence she uttered to me since that fateful night.

Days after that,  I was obsessed with 2 things : 1) Maybe we could still patch things up… then again maybe not. 2) How am I going to act around her come Christmas time? To have dinner with her and act like she’s not there would be hard, hard but doable.  I’ve been ambivalent from that time until last night.

Ignoring her while eating was uncomfortable. Yes, I ignored her all throughout dinner. After eating, I stood by our front door thinking. I realized, it wouldn’t kill me if I try to talk to her. I thought of all the things I wanted to say, in the end though, all I wanted to say was ” Sorry. Let’s stop this nonsense.”

I took one long drag of my almost-gone cigarette and called her. I was surprised when I saw her face as she approached me. “Damn, she looked different”– kidding. I felt like I was looking at myself when I looked at her. No, we don’t look alike but the feeling her face showed reflected the same emotions I was feeling. That moment, I knew there’s no need for us to talk anymore. I have forgiven her as she had forgiven. It would have been more cinematic if a Christmas song played after we hugged and started talking with each other, but no soft music played in the background. We were just 2 girls by the front door talking… like the old times.

When too much is enough, you will be  forced to do something to break the current scheme of things. When too much is enough, you either walk away or face your troubles head on. For me and her, too much had been enough. I was proud of her and myself for not choosing to permanently walk away on us.

Christmas, they say, is a time for all the right feelings. Some years ago, I started feeling empty during this season. I felt like I’m just going through the motions of the season. There has to be something more on Christmas than just giving gifts and attending parties and reunions. This year,  I found a special meaning for Christmas – Forgiveness.  Last night, I welcomed Christmas with a light and happy heart – the best gift I ever gave myself on Christmas day.

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