Brenda

I am, like most people, a sucker for real love. Living in a society where homosexuality and same-sex relationships are taboo, makes finding true love  a hard task. Yes, I search for one. I’m not like everyone else who patiently waits for love to come knocking on her door. My real name is Brenda, but in the world I live in, I am Ben. This is my story.

I was the night shift team leader of a small call center, she was an agent in the morning shift. I met her when she was on training. We were both on yosi break. Timid, loner, boring – these were my first thoughts on her. She was uninteresting. She had everything I don’t like in a girl. I hated the way she held her cigarette, irritated at the sound of her laughter and how she thought she was better than everyone else.

I don’t like her but her mere presence enthralled me.  As she turned her back on me, I saw the curves of her body. Those tight-fitting top and pants flaunted her curves. She was sexy. Her hips swayed as she walked, as if teasing me.  I don’t like this all too familiar feeling I’m starting to feel. I kept hearing her voice inside my head. “Andrea” she said, when I asked for her name. I stayed where I was longer than I should have, debating with myself.

A few beers after my shift was over, I got the courage to text her. After editing, cancelling and retyping, I was finally able to press the send button. 2, 3, 5 minutes after I sent the message, I knew I made the wrong move. She will never text me back.

The next day I woke up with 3 messages in my inbox. The first one was from my old fling, the second one, from my present fling, the 3rd one came from Andrea (my future fling?)

Okay. 4 pm alright with you?

I dressed up quickly and got to the office in time to see her walk out of the lobby. We went to a nearby coffee house and talked for what seemed like forever, but really, our coffee date lasted only a couple of hours. This was the first day of my relationship with her.

It was fun, even when she was so uptight about a lot of things. I have to coax her to go to my apartment and spend the night with me. The first time I kissed her, was like “okay, so this is it?”. The first time I touched her was like ” okay, maybe if she was a bit more relaxed… ” I never complained and asked for anything she couldn’t give. I can have what I don’t get from her from other girls anyway.

That time, I was dating 3 girls: Rian, another team leader in the night shift, Becca, an agent in the afternoon shift and Andrea, an agent in the morning shift. I thought I was on top of the game, I had every guy’s dream: Girls… Until Andrea found out what was going on and brought hell to the office. I never thought she had friends in all of our shifts. No, what I actually never thought was that she had friends who would tell on me. I was, after all, everyone’s superior. I underestimated the power of that sweet little girl  in the morning shift.

This was how our relationship started- with cheating and lies. It was, I realized now, a foreshadowing of how our relationship is going to be.

She resigned after the riot she had created. I left because I don’t want to clean up her mess. I started seeing other girls again, girls that are far more willing to give me the kind of relationship I want to have: sexual and free, but she was never out of my mind.

On another drunken night, I texted her and said sorry. 2 days after, I got  a message from her. “Okay” was what the message was. I had hoped for  a longer message, but Andrea was Andrea, a girl who had nothing more to say but “okay”. We are just going to be friends now, I thought. Of course, that never happened.

Getting back together with her hadn’t  been easy. She reminded me of what I did every chance she got. She rubbed me off my confidence. I vowed to make it up to her. I will always be faithful, loyal and honest. I will be the kind of person I failed to be the first time I was with her.

Little did I know that karma was on its way.

She went back to school. Not wanting to be far away from each other, we decided to get our own place. Because we couldn’t afford to pay rent on our own, we lived together with her college friends.  It was fun for a while until her guy friend became more than just a friend. I don’t know what to make of what’s happening then. I thought I was just being paranoid. I tried so hard to ignore those little signs until I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.” was all she could say when I confronted her. I was shocked. Disgusted by the fact that she was actually attracted to a college loser. I left the house that same night.

Payback is a bitch. To me though, it was an asshole.

Days and nights passed by. I was a wreck. I don’t know how to live anymore without her, without seeing her face when I wake up. My bed feels so big without her lying beside me.

Her fling ended just when I was already starting to get over her. I was already with Jenny then, a Cebuana I met online. Jenny knew about Andrea so  she wasn’t surprised when one day I told her that I’m meeting Andrea.  “We’re just going to talk” I said. Jenny had no choice but to let me go. She was so far away that she wouldn’t really know if I went to meet Andrea or not.

This time, it was her turn to say sorry and ask me back. “I don’t take left overs” was what I wanted to say. What I said was “Okay. Maybe we can try one more time.”  I broke up with Jenny and tried to salvage what was left of my relationship with Andrea. We got a place of our own and lived happily…. for a few months.

Tina was an officemate. She gave me what Andrea couldn’t give – security. She was that person that Andrea isn’t : Sexual. Unlike Andrea, Tina was ready to let me meet her family, to take our relationship out of the dark. Unlike Andrea, I know that Tina will never get attracted to guys.

I kept Tina a secret whilst thinking of a way to tell Andrea, but she found out sooner than I hoped she would. Just like before, she didn’t make it easy, but that was fine with me. I wanted out. I thought I found the kind of relationship I was looking for with Tina. I was wrong. Yes, she didn’t choose a guy over me, but she did leave me for another girl. After that, I tried going back to Andrea, but she was already dating another guy. “It’s too late” She said. She finally gave up on us.

The cycle, a.k.a our relationship has come to an end. I never wanted it to  stop. I would have tried harder to win her back but I have to know when enough is enough. My relationship with Andrea has finally reached its end.

Andrea, I know now, has been an addiction. She was my purple pill, my illegal high. Just like any addiction, Andrea had also caused my destruction. I’ve used and hurt so many hearts just to be with her, just to have that dysfunctional relationship I so wanted for a long time. It’s now time to stop. I owe it to myself and to her to give us both the chance to find our own place in the world.

There is no happy ending, only a period that signifies the end of a line; a  blank page that separates the finished chapter from the next.

My name is Brenda, but in the world I live in, I am Ben. This is my story. A story of a girl in search for love.

Hi, I was wondering if you want to have coffee some time. – ben

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